I wrote this before I got arrested in Mexico. This happened a few years ago but it’s still part of my life’s story. Here it is.

I am not much of a Surfer. I wish I could surf like a champ doing the big waves and all of the tricks. I just don’t have the skills. I do really enjoy surfing when I get a chance. I don’t often pass up any chance to get out and paddle around and attempt to ride a wave or two. I ride a long board mostly. They are stable and I’m kind of big myself so I need something that handles easy. I was paddling around trying to position for the swells that were rolling in. I didn’t have any idea that I was in trouble. I couldn’t sense any danger. I was laughing and having fun when all of a sudden something hit me straight in the chest as I lay on the board. It sent me flying straight up in the air. I held onto my board, just because, I don’t really know why. I landed back in the water like nothing had happened. My chest hurt like a mother but it was all calm around me like it was all a dream. I was kind of in shock and the pain was bad. After a second I figured out what happened. I saw this huge fin coming at me in the water. I suddenly realized that a shark tried to eat me. He hit my board and knocked me into the air. Man, I was furious. How dare this shark think he can just roll up and try to take me out, didn’t he know he was f*cking with Teddy Bear? The shark started circling me on my board. The whole time the incident is racing through my mind and I can’t believe the balls on this shark. He thinks he can do that to me and get away with it?! Now he is back to try and finish the job?! At this point I can’t even see straight I am so mad. Nobody punks Teddy Bear especially some stupid fish. The shark circled several times getting closer and closer. Finally he got close enough that I jumped on his back and started pounding on him “old school street rules style”. I was gouging his eye, punching him in his nose, and raining down elbows on the back of his head like a monsoon. The shark was freaking out, diving and flipping around. I had my legs wrapped around his side fins and his dorsal fin was wedged in my ass like an Atomic wedgie. I think that is the only reason he didn’t throw me off right away. I must have thrown one elbow just right, because he stopped moving instantly. He just went to sleep. I had knocked this shark out cold. It was awesome! I was still furious. He was just floating in the water now all knocked out. I decided to drag him to the shore. It wasn’t very far and I wanted to end him like he tried to end me. I grabbed him by the tail and started swimming him in. A couple of small waves helped me get him in. He was bigger than I thought. I got him to the beach and ran and got my Hummer so I could winch him up to land. I have one of the original Military Hummers not one of those Soccer Mom Hummers. It has a massive winch on the front of it. I drove down to where the shark was and winched him up. He started to come to a short time after I got him on shore. I was still mad. I started raining elbows on him again. I called my manager Stu and he arranged for these taxidermy guys to come get him off the beach. They measured him at 12 feet long. They stuffed him and he now hangs over the fireplace at my house. I had a plaque made to commemorate the encounter. It reads “F*cked with the Wrong Teddy Bear. Got Murdered like a Bitch”.