Blog

That Shark is my Bitch

Mon, 27 Dec 2010 11:01:20 -0600

I wrote this before I got arrested in Mexico. This happened a few years ago but it’s still part of my life’s story. Here it is.

I am not much of a Surfer. I wish I could surf like a champ doing the big waves and all of the tricks. I just don’t have the skills. I do really enjoy surfing when I get a chance. I don’t often pass up any chance to get out and paddle around and attempt to ride a wave or two. I ride a long board mostly. They are stable and I’m kind of big myself so I need something that handles easy. I was paddling around trying to position for the swells that were rolling in. I didn’t have any idea that I was in trouble. I couldn’t sense any danger. I was laughing and having fun when all of a sudden something hit me straight in the chest as I lay on the board. It sent me flying straight up in the air. I held onto my board, just because, I don’t really know why. I landed back in the water like nothing had happened. My chest hurt like a mother but it was all calm around me like it was all a dream. I was kind of in shock and the pain was bad. After a second I figured out what happened. I saw this huge fin coming at me in the water. I suddenly realized that a shark tried to eat me. He hit my board and knocked me into the air. Man, I was furious. How dare this shark think he can just roll up and try to take me out, didn’t he know he was f*cking with Teddy Bear? The shark started circling me on my board. The whole time the incident is racing through my mind and I can’t believe the balls on this shark. He thinks he can do that to me and get away with it?! Now he is back to try and finish the job?! At this point I can’t even see straight I am so mad. Nobody punks Teddy Bear especially some stupid fish. The shark circled several times getting closer and closer. Finally he got close enough that I jumped on his back and started pounding on him “old school street rules style”. I was gouging his eye, punching him in his nose, and raining down elbows on the back of his head like a monsoon. The shark was freaking out, diving and flipping around. I had my legs wrapped around his side fins and his dorsal fin was wedged in my ass like an Atomic wedgie. I think that is the only reason he didn’t throw me off right away. I must have thrown one elbow just right, because he stopped moving instantly. He just went to sleep. I had knocked this shark out cold. It was awesome! I was still furious. He was just floating in the water now all knocked out. I decided to drag him to the shore. It wasn’t very far and I wanted to end him like he tried to end me. I grabbed him by the tail and started swimming him in. A couple of small waves helped me get him in. He was bigger than I thought. I got him to the beach and ran and got my Hummer so I could winch him up to land. I have one of the original Military Hummers not one of those Soccer Mom Hummers. It has a massive winch on the front of it. I drove down to where the shark was and winched him up. He started to come to a short time after I got him on shore. I was still mad. I started raining elbows on him again. I called my manager Stu and he arranged for these taxidermy guys to come get him off the beach. They measured him at 12 feet long. They stuffed him and he now hangs over the fireplace at my house. I had a plaque made to commemorate the encounter. It reads “F*cked with the Wrong Teddy Bear. Got Murdered like a Bitch”.

One of the Crew Spills Dom

Mon, 20 Dec 2010 17:21:58 -0600

One of Terrible Teddy Bears friends spills a whole bottle of Dom and has to hide out in an alley for a while to let Teddy Bear calms down.

Hate the Mall but Love the Moms

Tue, 14 Dec 2010 16:28:17 -0600

I can’t go to the mall. Little kids follow me around while their Moms hit on me. It’s weird. Moms handing me her info, while her kid is tugging on my leg yelling “it’s Teddy Bear, Mommy it’s Teddy Bear”, weird. I already have trouble finding what I need in the mall, then, throw in trying to keep away from a stampede of runts and Soccer Moms. It sucks. I did, ransack, a couple of Cougars though. That’s cool.

Wrongly Accused in Mexico and Nobody Cares

Wed, 1 Dec 2010 16:41:04 -0600

So I have been getting a lot of “where you at Big T?” I am guessing you all are wondering where I have been this whole time. Of course it’s just my luck to launch my campaign for everyone to get to know the real me and bam I get locked up. This wasn’t one of the usual incarcerations where I can just pay off the pigs and get out the next day. This was the big league. I am talking about South of the Border... en la carcél.

You see, I hit up Mexico for a not necessary but always welcome vacation the summer before last. Surfing, babes, tequila let’s get it done. Everything was going perfect, had a sick place on the beach, fine chicks going crazy for me and my crew. I met this hombre on the beach as you do in Mexico pushin’ recreational pharms. He seemed like a cool enough amigo and he was takin’ care of us for a couple days. So when he said there was a crazy party that was goin’ off one night and suggested we go...duty calls. You know how we do.

We got to the house, which, put nicely, was a bit off the path. That didn’t prevent it from being 12,000 square feet of grade A digs. There were cars everywhere, music blasting, chicks bouncing, and all sorts of dudes laced in gold all looking like Scarface. I figured me and my crew would have no trouble fitting in.

We take our familiar positions at the bar starting the night off with some stiff drinks when these Latinas come buzzin over obviously likin’ what they saw. We were just gettin’ things started up when the Policia roll up in the house. Me and the crew were thinkin' no problem we’re clean, hard to believe I know, no reason for the cops to raise hell with us. Well these effin cops got to me just as fast as the ladies. It was like they came specifically for ME. I couldn’t understand a thing they were saying, I mean I can get by you know, ordering a drink or asking directions but I am no Rosetta Stone success story. Next thing I know I am in a Mexican lockup with a bunch and shit faced Mexican dudes looking at me like they were about to get eaten. When you see a drunk giant pink bear roll up, it takes a minute to realize you aren’t hallucinating.

I called Stu (Business Manager) and told him I had got swiped up and thrown in the slammer. He said no problem and told me he’d contact me as soon as he got the situation under control. The next day I had a consult with a bilingual lawyer compliments of the mexican judicial system. He told me that I was arrested for Murder! Turns out the week before a local government official got capped outside a local tittie bar and I had been identified as the gunman. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I just stared at this Lawyer, thinking I was on Punk’d or something. This was f*cking crazy! Where's Ashton?! I'm gonna kill him!! This sh*t ain't funny!

Well it turns out, the party was at one of the most active and dangerous drug dealers in Mexico. He invited us to this party so he could frame the murder on me. Plus he was paying cops under the table. So what does this guy do? He invites me to the party, pays the cops to come arrest me, he serves as the confidential informant, and gets away free and clear. He was thinking that a giant pink bear from America wouldn’t have the resources or know how to get out of a cheap under surveillance jail cell. Lucky for me I'm loaded and have been in more penitentiaries than Charles Bronson. I had Stu down in Mexico writing checks every which way. It still takes 13 months to get everything sorted out enough for them to let me go, damn mexican legal system. This drug dealer had so many people tied up with the scheme that it took forever to find someone with no blood on their hands. I wasn’t even in the country at the time of the murder and I still couldn’t convince the judge to let me go. Finally we got to a government official that was high enough and not yet on the payroll of any drug dealers for a hearing that ended with my release. That was my worst vacation to Mexico so far.

My GPS Started Trippin’

Sun, 16 Aug 2009 00:00:00 -0500

This is the craziest thing that happened to me the other day. I had to go pick up some “stuff” from someone that I hadn’t done “business” with ever. I didn’t know where exactly to go. I wasn’t too worried because I have GPS Navigation in a couple of my cars, so I thought no problem. I got the address and jumped in the car ($96,000 dollar Mercedes). I programmed the address into my Navigation system and started driving. Everything was going great, turn here, turn there. None of this was a big deal since I was still familiar with where I was. I started to get into an area that I wasn’t familiar the GPS Lady kept telling me to go in these crazy directions. I just kept following what she said because I didn’t have any problems before. I had always driven right to where I wanted to go when I used the GPS. I kept trying to do what the GPS Lady said and I ended up driving around and around seeing the same streets and buildings over and over. I was getting madder by the minute. I was hungry, needed a drink, wanted my stuff and had a party to get to. The Ladies voice started to drive me crazy. My heart rate was skyrocketing and I started getting hot, I was fed up. I flipped out and tore the Navigation system out of the dash and started smashing it. The only problem was that I was still hauling ass in the car. I looked up and I was headed for a light pole. I grabbed the wheel again and tried to miss it but ended up losing control and wrapping the Benz around the pole. It’s lucky I even walked away. Of course I am filled with soft stuffing.